Monday, October 20, 2008

Lucky me! (second draft)

“Am I still alive?” I smelled the ground soil and clorophyl of the grass. When I woke up, I realized that I am lying on the ground near a drain. I can feel the sand in my eyes and tasted it in my mouth! I hope that was not shit or tiny insects.

As I look up to the sky, the sun is shining brigthly, I winked my eyes, I was lying on the ground, beside me was the gate and on the other side was the drain. In the the drain, a motorcycle has fallen down to the earth and the wheel was stirring. “Lucky me,” Im not at the hospital bed.

I heard steps coming towards me. An old man and a few mechanics helped me to lift up the motorcycle. It’s syetul’s motorcycle. What have I done to her motorcycle? There was something wrong with the poor motorbike. Oh no! Something was really wrong with the wheel. It was punctured. What am I supposed to do? I was very worried. I’m sure you must be thinking what Syetuls would say. Wait till the last paragraph.

Ouch! I felt like my pants was torn because something sharp was pressing my thigh and legs. It was a dry branch of flower trees planted near the drain. Fortunately I wore helmet and my precious head was safe. I was glad I was not fainting or bleeding. To tell you the truth, I got my pants torn. (my underpants too) huhu…I had to cover. Ida laughed at me and asked me if I was okay. She felt better after listening to my voice.

This accident happened in a blink of eyes. I was started to getting nervous as I discovered that the tyre has punctured and I didnt know how to replace the new tyre. And also that was not my motorbike. It's Syetul’s motorbike, who has gone back to the village for holiday. I was not supposed to involve her motorcycle with any miscellanious. I tried to calm myself by smiling and relaxing.

So I recalled back what had happened. It was a sunny morning . Instead of taking bus to town, Ida and I decided to go shopping at YAWATA Supermarket by motorbike.

Later we decided to fill in the petrol as it had almost reached the empty level. Carefully, I ride my motorbike to the edge of the road and enter the petrol station area. I saw a few men were washing cars at the gas pump. So I straight away waited for my turn behind a motorcycle. Ida got down from the bike to pay the money.

As the pump man finished filling in my motorbike oil tanks. Without thinking much, I switched on the bike and pressed the gear to speed. I don't know why, the motorcycle suddenly moved towards the edge of the other side of the petrol station area where there was a long but not too deep drain, bushes and gate.

Oh gosh! What was happening to me! I could not even think to press the brake or grasping the handbrake. I don't know why I just let the motorbike carried away by itself to the end of the area. I closed my eyes. 'Bang!' a crashing sounds from motorbike awoke me as I felt like flying away from the bike to the air. Haha. That was it!

Lucky me, that pak cik was a mechanic. He brought a spare tyre and started to repair the bike. Then, we paid him RM10.00. Shivering with fear I started the journey back to the hostel praying hopefully the motorcycle wont make trouble again. We when for lunch at the nearest restaurant to reduce the trauma.

What about Syetul? She was shocked but she cared about me first instead of her motorbike, of course I have to pay for the compensation. I apologized and helped her to service her motorbike. This traumatic accident reminds me that death is silence. So please be careful everywhere you go.


yagami said...

It seemed that u have changed the style of your essay to grope the reader's attention. Also u have used certain words to describe your experience. SO far it's ok. Just pay attention to the grammatical errors that you have done ok..

fahmi said...

good improvment. so reader can know what have u go through. the flow of story are good to grab attention.
keep up good work

lupikirlah sendiri said...

congratulations on ur excellent introduction of the story! i iike it! but when i go to the flow of the story. i found that u have made lots of grammatical mistakes that can be a factor to deny the "charmingness " of ur intro just now, so plz be careful.. sometimes content can be wise but when the sentences do not arranged properly, it can affect the whole parts ok.. u got a repetition there, about syetul and u kind of late to introduce who is she again in the story..others is good. u have strong point, but plz check ur mistakes again ok tq

onekyh said...

You have changed your style of writing which is very good! It made me read your essay as a new interesting one. But as others mentioned there are lots of grammatical errors. If you used past tense form you should stick with it. Ask your roomate to check for you..=)

persona non grata said...


your 2nd draft is better than previous one. i really like your introduction, it made me interested to read more.

but you need to pay attention on your sentence structure. some of them are in dependent clause. for example when you start your sentence with coordination junction "and" . you should avoid it.

hanmie7227 said...

Good!!There are a lot of improvement in your essay especially in writing styles. Totally different. This time I could feel more feeling inside the story.

It just you need to check your grammatical errors.Sometime you use past tense, sometime you use present tense.

blueberry said...

there are lot of improvement in your essay. well done.
i like to read your essay as you are able to described the situation very well.
there are some grammatical mistakes that you need to lokk at. good luck for your final draft k

babysbreath said...

You have a very interesting introduction. Remember we went to creative writing workshop? I remember mr raymer said that we should go straight to our story. Personally I disagree with him. I think that Sometimes the description brings up the mood for the reader. However, it think you are exaggerating a bit in the intro. (My opinion). For me the word chlorophyll is a bit to much for me. Maybe you can find a word that could describe the smell of the grass. In para 3 you wrote about syetul might thinking and you asked the reader to wait til the last para. For me, no need to do that la. Let your reader explore the story til the end. No surprise if you write something like that.

Anonymous said...

Syetuls would say. Wait till the last paragraph.

i like dis one, simply bcoz it evokes emotion of suspense. though babybreath wanted readers to explore by themselves, this sentece stimulate readers interest and u told them which paragraph to refer. Some readers may jump to d last para to know what syetul would say

ur draft dis time is interesting as u have added funny elements ...torn underwear and detail decriptionn of the atmosphere

i love ur language simplicity, simple sentence structure yet u can convey ur mesagge succeffully